A Tattered Life

The New Mexico sunsets were breathtaking while I was visiting Daniel and Megan at the beginning of 2021. I took in the sites and helped Daniel refurbish the first house he bought for his business. Even though I had three surgeries on my ankle at this point, my physical pain was constant, and my ankle was not excited about its contribution to the project.

In order to keep my step count as low as possible, I took my knee scooter, which I have done for years, to support my body weight as I glided around trying to keep up with life that seemed to be passing me by. The house Daniel purchased was about two blocks away from his home, so I rode through the neighborhood on my scooter, saving the pressure on my ankle for the day’s tasks. 

My work ethic has remained the same through these years, but my physical ability has not. My head wanted to do much more than my body would allow me to do, but I was determined to be helpful. We did some demo, laid flooring, and painted rooms - my specialty - while I was there. On Sunday, we worshiped online due to another Covid spike. The three of us settled in on the couch and listened to their church service, while Big Bobby, their Maine Coon cat, made sure he was strategically placed to get adequate attention during the service.  

The church announced a program to read through the Bible in a year, located in their app, which I quickly downloaded. Being the beginning of the year, and my eternal hope that the previous surgery was my last, I thought, “This is my year! I’m going to get back in the swing of things.” 

So I started reading through the Bible, and now, 3½ years later, I finished! Yes, you read that right - it took me 3½ years from start to finish. 

My phone’s app projected a man’s calming voice that read me the Bible while I followed along with every single verse…for years, combing through each passage from this Bible I treasure. This Bible with its leather frayed off the front and back has been crammed into backpacks, stuffed in suitcases, tossed around in my car - beaten, tattered, frayed. 

It started out with a new leather smell and decorative swirls on the teal cover, given with love by the young adult Sunday School Class I taught years ago. The members of the class noticed my previous frayed Bible and knew I was in the market for a new one.

At a recent women’s conference, one of the questions asked of me was how I stayed close to God through all the trials these past years. My response was staying in the Word, and while that sounds like the Sunday School answer, please hear me out. 

There are 1189 chapters in the Bible, so if someone were to read just one chapter a day, it would take 3¼ years to finish. I averaged less than a chapter daily. According to any published reading plan, I would definitely be a failure. 

Some days I read a chapter, some times more. Some days I skipped reading all together. There were days I dove deeper and looked up the Hebrew or Greek words; and sometimes I would write "distracted by…." in my journal. That’s how the last years have been - days where I am focused and days when I’m just barely existing. The only thing that was consistent was that I kept trying. 

And I kept reading, even when I didn’t think I was absorbing any knowledge. When I’d fail, I’d start again. It’s similar to restarting an exercise program or choosing to eat better. We won’t always get it right, but when we don’t, we start again. I would tell myself, I’m going to do it today. I’m not committing for tomorrow - or next year. I’m going to study, exercise, eat right TODAY, and today only. That I can do. More than that was just too overwhelming. I had a basic plan, and I tried to stick to it. Obviously not every day, but I would try again tomorrow. But even with a plan, like eating well or exercising, there are things like ice cream in the freezer that sometimes derails our good intentions. 

And life did that for me. Over these 3½ years, I’ve had an amputation, vacationed (sometimes I’m good while I’m away, sometimes not), taken countless trips to my physical therapist and prosthetist, visited my two new grandsons, and I’ve done my best to engage again in this beautiful and tattered life. 

I allowed myself to fail and not beat myself up. It’s not a race; it’s not a competition. I have been through some heavy blows, so the last thing I needed was using myself as a punching bag. If I missed a day, I’d start again. No judgment…just pick up where I left off. Now, this is easy to write but much harder to do. If you have a personality like mine, the illusion of perfection still lingers out there, unobtainable, but somehow I thought I could always make it. 

As I wrapped up reading, I thought about how our lives look much like this tattered Bible - broken, tossed, frayed. Bibles do not all look the same because of what they have been through, and some lives seem a little more tattered than others because of life events. Just as the outside of my Bible looks differently than it did when it was first purchased, my physical body looks different now. However, the truths inside the covers of The Book remain, and I strive to have the inside of my life - my character - continue to be real and true. 

My life has been broken, but there is wisdom among the brokenness. There is something beautiful behind the mess. There is something powerful in the pages of everyone’s life. And like the Bible, it is always good to share the faithfulness of God in anyone’s story. It’s through our shared experiences that we have compassion and sympathy for each other. 

I have journaled a lot during my life, and much more through the past few years. I write down what God has shown me in this journey, otherwise I would forget! I can hardly remember three items I need at the grocery store, much less a nugget from God and where it was found in scripture. 

If you are like me, as soon as you sing the final song at church or finish that last sip of coffee over some quiet time in the morning, the nugget that was shining so brightly with truth quickly fades. So I write them down. I will go back through my notes and journals and say, “Oh yes, that was so good.” I would like to blame it all on the concussion and accident, but honestly, I think age has more to do with it than anything! 

I am going to regularly share these nuggets of truth God has shown me, not because I have all the answers. In fact, just the opposite. I’m on a journey for more truth and more wisdom. I’ve barely survived this thing called grief, heartache, and loss, but this tattered life, once it is opened and shared, hopefully will have words that might help and encourage others in their journey. 

There is never a devotional, a word of the day, or sermon that should replace time reading your Bible and having intimate time with your Creator. Other words can be beneficial, but they are only a tool to lead someone to the feet of Jesus.

I challenge you to pick up your tattered Bible - or maybe the pristine one sitting on your bookshelf - and make a commitment to read it. Don’t set an amount, don’t set an end date, but sit and absorb Who it is speaking to you. No, it’s not January 1, but let’s be honest, you wouldn’t have made it to the end by December anyway. And that’s okay! 

The Bible is the Living Word; it never changes, but the situations in our lives allow us to apply its wisdom in different ways. That’s why we can’t stop reading, studying, and sharing. 

The tattered look of my Bible will never be undone, nor will the frayed edges of my life be all put back together neatly. It shows the wear and tear of use. But there are blessings in the brokenness of life. I pray this story, in its brokenness, can be a blessing to others. 

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